This is a rush transcript from “Gutfeld!,” July 29, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Back in 2009 during the so-
called Great Recession, the President asked me to be in charge of managing
that piece then President Trump, excuse me, a Freudian slip. That was the
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Is it Freudian slip something you secretly
want to happen? So I guess you wanted Trump to be president? Who knew?
GUTFELD: All right. Yes, a wild crowd tonight. They’re all stoned. Someone
once said and never let a crisis go to waste. I think it was Kilmeade’s
makeup person. These days, the COVID crisis is used to create conflict and
those pushing it are turning up the theatrical not only because they are
losing control of those they hate, but because it gets them on TV and
attention from their equally narcissistic media peers.
What exactly did innocent Americans do to deserve this? For a few of you
it’s vaccine hesitancy and the dumbest man on the planet thinks you’re a
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MAYOR BILL DE BLASIO (D) NEW YORK: The anti-vaxxers are criminal at this
point. What they are doing to this country is undermining our future. They
really are. They’re taking away the future of this country.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Jesus. Imagine this irony. This is a mayor, the mayor of New York
City where repeat criminals who brutalized elderly women in loot drugstores
are quickly released back on the streets. And he thinks people who don’t
get the vaccine are the criminals. This is from a guy who ran for president
while the city government imploded under the weight of violent crime,
homelessness and disease.
This guy calling anyone a criminal is about as hypocritical as me calling
anyone a pint size, pontificated with intestinal distress. Which I do have.
Anyway, I wonder what this lady has to say.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MARGARET HOOVER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: If you’re going to get government
provided health care, if you’re getting V.A. treatment, Medicare, Medicaid,
Social Security, anything and social great, obviously isn’t health care,
you should be getting the vaccine. OK? Because you’re going to have to work
— we are going to have to take care of you on the back end.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: We? That’s cute. Hoover thinks Social Security is somehow the
government’s money, not money that we loaned to the government. I’m not
sure what’s thicker, the Hoover Dam or the Hoover skull. Sorry, she’s a
nice lady. She’s a nice lady. But that was a good joke. All right. And look
who founded this source. It was probably under the fake barbells.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CHRIS CUOMO, CNN ANCHOR: Part of the metric here is ignorance. But part of
it is also arrogance. This misplaced sense of righteous indignation and
resistance that they believe is a false manifestation of freedom.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Yes, right. OK. We almost have to stop this show for a minute and
contemplate the hilarity of Captain Q-Tip. Calling anyone arrogant or
indignant. The bozo presented to quarantine in his basement when he was at
picking fights with neighbors, and who can forget his award winning
portrayal as Lazarus.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
CUOMO: All right, here it is (INAUDIBLE) on the basement, cleared by CDC,
just worked out happens. It happens. This is what I’ve been dreaming of.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: That’s the truth. He probably replayed that moment over and over
in his head. It was cheesier than a Packers fan eating fondue. Nicely done.
Then there’s this clown finding his way back on to T.V.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
DAVID FRUM, SENIOR EDITOR, THE ATLANTIC: And maybe you’re doing it because
you’re irrationally anxious. Maybe you’re doing it because you’re
disconnected or disorganized. Maybe you have some sympathetic psychological
reasons. But maybe you’re just being anti-social. In this country race is a
protected category. Being an anti-social jerk is not a protected category.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Well, I guess it isn’t CNN when you’re on. In The Atlantic, Frum
also says that since Biden’s America produces 70 percent of the wealth than
they should decide when it’s had enough of Trump’s America who are putting
people medically at risk. Yes. Trump’s America. Last night I pointed out
that many of the unvaccinated are people of color who are skeptical of a
healthcare system that screwed them over.
There are also tens of thousands of city workers and undocumented
immigrants who also aren’t getting the job. Add to that, the wait in Sears
who are gauging the responses to the vaccine. Yes, I’m willing to bet
that’s not Trump’s America, but it doesn’t matter for broken sidelined
losers like Frum to remain relevant, he must paint the image of an orange
spray tan straw man leading a group of redneck anti-vaxxers mouth
He must see conflict under every rock, including the one he’s been living
under for the last 20 years. In the New York Times, experts blame Americans
who are unvaccinated. At least I think that’s what it said. It’s hard to
read something covered in parakeet (BLEEP) but even as the — but even as
the Times admits, only a third of the unvaccinated are eligible. And they
say the vaccinated are now mad at the unvaxxed which they get from
interviewing their pals.
Yes. The Times quotes the political director of the hard left Daily Kos
saying real anger is brewing among the vaccinated toward the unvaccinated.
You got to love how the media operates. You know, so I wonder if the vaxxed
are mad at the unvaxxed. I’ll just ask someone who agrees with me to supply
a quote. You know, it’s like a mean girl spreading a rumor about another
mean girl hitting on another girl’s boyfriend just to start a fight in the
From Cuomo, de Blasio, the Times, there are mean girls in drag. And they’re
framing COVID like a teamsters’ strike. And in this case, the unvaccinated
they’re the scabs. It’s weird watching people make the same mistake over
and over again while claiming they’re just trying to help. It’s like my
wife watching me load the dishwasher wrong thinking I’m helping her out,
never works out. But they don’t want to — they don’t really want to help
They just enjoy the conflict too much. It makes perfect sense though, if
you think about it, because all good theater starts with conflict. And
that’s just what T.V. news has become. Good theater. So how can
intimidating people and insulting them persuade anyone? Didn’t the
Democrats always call that bullying? Yes, you can’t morally impugn
shoplifters, looters, violent drug addicts who assault cops, transients or
junkies pooping on your porch.
That would be so insensitive and yet so reasonable. But those rubes scared
of a novel vaccine. They have it coming. They’re the criminals. Fact is,
these media bullies just want to impugn the people who’ve caused them
emotional turmoil over the past four years. This sort of turd swirling
virtue signaling is actually therapy for them. They should really call it
Dr. Drew. As Matt Taibbi points out, it’s a brand new kind of snobbism.
Allowing elites to look down at the unschooled underclass, stressing the
affluence of their voters as an indication of their moral superiority.
Listening to them though, is as harmful as French kissing a cave dwelling
bat in Wuhan. I can’t wait to see what they do next, and watch it blow up
in their unmasked faces. Let’s welcome tonight’s guests.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.
GUTFELD: Great introduction. He worked his way up faster than tequila on an
empty stomach. “FOX AND FRIENDS FIRST” and co-anchor Todd Piro. Her
bleeding heart Is it because of some weird vaccine side effects. Fox News
Contributor, Jessica Tarlov. Wow. His version of locker room humor is
trying out jokes in the showers at Planet Fitness. Comedian Joe Machi. Her
laugh is intoxicating as the contents of her first. Fox News Contributor
That is some crazy howling going on. Must be — must be my new cologne,
Todd. So why do you suppose the media is so interested in ginning up the
divisions in the COVID crisis as opposed to just getting people vaccinate?
TODD PIRO, FOX NEWS ANCHOR: Because I have to keep it tied to Trump because
that’s the only way that they can get any semblance of ratings. We look at
the numbers. We report on the numbers. The numbers for the non-Fox News
networks are abysmal and not just cable. We’re talking like terrestrial
T.V. too. Your ABCs, your NBCs. The ones that you can find with the rabbit
ears if you still do that.
So they need to tie anything to Trump. If you think it’s going to stop —
if COVID went away tomorrow, they would find something else to tie to
Trump. I.E. one slash six. Other things that they may gin up. That’s how
they do it. That’s what they need to do. Because that’s the only way they
keep their slim audiences somewhat. You know, engaged.
GUTFELD: If I didn’t know any better, I think you work at Fox News.
PIRO: Rumor is. I did. It feels like I worked there like a year ago,
because I’ve been up for 9000 hours straight.
GUTFELD: I don’t know how you do that. I don’t know how people get up that
early. I’ve never seen Fox and Friends.
PIRO: It hurts.
GUTFELD: Never —
JESSICA TARLOV, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: — version, you’ve never —
GUTFELD: No. I’ve just never seen it. I don’t — I’m not even certain it
exists. Sometimes I think it’s like the moon landing. Just people tell me
it happens. Jessica, while I was doing my monologue off in the side, I
could see you nodding along going finally someone is speaking the truth.
TARLOV: That was actually my fear face of what the audience is going to do.
You introduce me. I appreciate but I only got the stink eye from one
GUTFELD: That was our floor director Dave. What do you — what do you make
of Biden’s stuff today? Was he OK?
TARLOV: I thought — I thought he was OK. I think, you know, out of the
gate. There were a few stumbles there. But he certainly kind of kicked
Randi Weingarten in the butt.
TARLOV: And she’s not having a good night tonight. She was out earlier
saying we’re going to endeavor to go back to school and he was like, you’re
going back to school?
TARLOV: So — and it was interesting. I was in the makeup chair so that I
could look like this for you tonight, while the speech was going on, and
was following on Twitter. And then Dr. Leana Wen who used to the head of
Planned Parenthood and has been really vocal about everyone getting
vaccinated, et cetera, tweeted, no, the problem is not with vaccinated
people. It’s with unvaccinated people at the mask mandate.
And that’s really — and I saw a cat last night you use an expletive but I
don’t feel comfortable enough using (BLEEP)
GUTFELD: Was it —
TARLOV: You used the F word.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I posted last night. It was a while ago.
I’ve said the word more than once.
TARLOV: That’s how people have liberal and conservative believes, feel
about this. I don’t want to put a mask back on. I did what — I locked
TARLOV: I wore a mask. I got my job.
TARLOV: I want people to see my face.
TIMPF: Yes, yes, yes.
TARLOV: And it feels like that’s what the science —
TIMPF: I started barking.
GUTFELD: But Kat, now they’re saying like even if you have the vaccination,
you should wear the mask. And even if you have — even if you’ve got COVID,
you could get the vaccination. I get it when the date at new data, you keep
— you should be changing the recommendations based on the data. But people
are getting confused. Because it’s like, well, wait a second, isn’t natural
immunity preferable to anything? I’m a doctor, I understand these things.
So be —
TIMPF: Well, you’re my doctor.
GUTFELD: That’s true.
TARLOV: Is that not right?
GUTFELD: I don’t know if that’s — I don’t know if that is common
knowledge, Kat. And by the way, you’re not supposed to talk about that.
That’s between us.
TIMPF: Like, can I mix these two things? And you say, yes, you should.
GUTFELD: Yes. You shouldn’t mix. Here take these pills. (INAUDIBLE)
TIMPF: Yes, and — people are universally pissed off about it, except for
the people who are — I think they miss it. Because they were like the best
at following the rules. You know, like it — this is the —
GUTFELD: I do not like that voice. No. Stop it.
TIMPF: It was the easiest, easiest way to be an activist because the only
way you can be an activist that requires you to sit there.
TIMPF: At home and do nothing. Look, I got my vaccine, and that is exactly,
I’m like, look, I did it. I did all the things. I’m not willing to
indefinitely postpone my life because life is short, especially if you’re
me, and you make the choices that I make.
GUTFELD: Joe, what are your thoughts on anything that’s flying through that
beautiful, brilliant head of yours? Under that magical swath of hair?
JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: Thank you, Greg.
GUTFELD: Resting above those broad muscular shoulders.
MACHI: Just let me know when you’re finished.
GUTFELD: I’m going to — I’m going to finish when I want to finish. Sorry,
I don’t know what’s come over me. It’s you.
TARLOV: I knew you (INAUDIBLE)
GUTFELD: Sorry. I’m sorry.
MACHI: Greg, it seems like — it seems like follow the science has really
become follow the leader. Because everything is backwards, up is down, down
is up. It used to be that they would wait a couple months before they
contradicted themselves. Now they’re doing it at the same time. They’re
saying it’s only the unvaccinated that are having any kind of pandemic but
at the same time, if you’re vaccinated, put the mask back on.
And how many times they have to be proven wrong. But hey, you’re arrogant.
If you wonder why the people who keep screwing up, why people aren’t
listening to them. And it — what happens to you is that you get censored.
You get demonized. And it seems like more and more you’re being forced to
take the vaccine. And I got it. I had no problems with it. But at a certain
point after two weeks to flatten the curve to the continued loss of rights,
I’m starting to wonder if you could be forced to take an experimental
vaccine for disease that everyone agrees is largely survivable and a
majority that are eligible have the vaccine for. What is the constitution
GUTFELD: Yes. It is really weird because we kind of — like as a country,
pretty much kind of solve this. Like when you think about how many people
are unvaccinated, how a third of them are eligible and you start looking at
it isn’t Trump’s America. It’s a whole bunch of different people.
GUTFELD: A whole bunch of different people, people that are
immunocompromised, people that are skeptical, people that are really
skeptical than (INAUDIBLE) but they but everybody wants to say, these are a
bunch of nut bags and that doesn’t help anyone especially the nut bags.
Like Kat. All right. Still to come. The berserker Blothar from Gwar joins
us. But first she put BLM murals on the street but demands more cops on the
GUTFELD: After defunding flops she wants more cops, Washington, D.C. Mayor
Muriel Bowser has a new plan for dealing with their city’s crime spike and
it’s going sound crazy. Yes, but hear her out. What was that?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
MAYOR MURIEL BOWSER (D), DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA: I will be sending an
additional $11-million-dollar supplemental budget request to the council
this week to allow for the hiring of 20 new officers and FY21 and 150 new
officers in FY22.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Wait a second. What? More cops to fight rising crime? That’s not
how it’s supposed to work. It’s a novel approach. I mean, here’s more cops
to fight the crime. Hopefully they aren’t just for her security detail. Now
in Bowser’s defense, she opposed to funding the police even while the D.C.
Council voted last year to shift 23 million out of the police budget. But
that vote was a result of a destructive ideology now turning every liberal
city into organized mayhem.
It’s what Senator Tom Cotton writing in National Review. Never heard of it.
Calls the BLM effect which sounds like something that happens to me after
having a cigarette with coffee. You can work out it. You can work at it.
This obvious point that anti-law enforcement sentiment championed by Black
Lives Matter and the media causes a drop in policing leading to fewer
arrests and a rising murder rate.
Cotton also adds, weak policing, weak prosecuting, and weak sentencing
hurts black Americans more than any other group of our citizens. African-
Americans tragically constitute approximately half of all murder victims
and regularly suffer the brunt of damage resulting from riots, period,
their lives matter. Meanwhile, in New York, two teens were turned in by
their parents for assaulting an off duty firefighter.
That’s after video of the mob attack was shared online. As punishment they
will be forced to work as President Biden’s transcriber. Jessica, you
coddle criminals like their little koala bears, it makes you feel pretty
stupid now that all of your heroes are trying to get more cops on the beat.
Huh? You’re eating a lot of crow, you’re eating more crow than a crow
tasting chef. Hey, it’s no Green Bay Packers with cheese.
TARLOV: No. That was (INAUDIBLE) Born hatched in the greenroom. It said
moments like these, I’m not going to say that I always think about what I –
– I’m about to say on television. But I’ve been very careful about defend
the police because that one just smelled so bad. There’s always been a
difference between the organization and the movement itself. And I think
that that’s the problem, right?
That the organization itself is not very good at organizing, getting things
done, bringing policy proposals. But the movement, the idea of everyone
should be treated equally I think we can all get behind. And that’s gotten
murky. But one of the best things about politics on both sides, everyone
enjoys, like when Democrats start eating their own, right? Or when
Republicans start eating their own were like, what’s going to happen,
Like Mitch McConnell is going to Trump or, you know, now with this police
officers issue, like all of these defund the police activists like the
squad, are they going to start calling black mayors racist, or black police
chiefs racist? And that’s where you get to the point where you just say,
maybe the people who are on the street are the ones that know. And I think
that the police chief from D.C. did everyone in all these major cities a
huge service last week where he just said, this is insane.
TARLOV: What’s going on. I’m 200 cops short.
TARLOV: I know every single person committing these crimes because they’ve
been in the system before and do something about it. And she had to do
something about it.
GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true. You know, I said she cuddles criminals but you
literally have coddled criminals.
TIMPF: Only ones that were hot. Yes, definitely.
GUTFELD: Ted Kaczynski wasn’t a bad looking guy.
TIMPF: Look, I’m just saying they — really hot. Look, it’s — overall, you
know, when Tom Cotton I vehemently disagree with his vision for the
criminal justice system. I do agree that we should not be coddling
criminals but he and I have very different ideas of what constitutes a
criminal. But at the same time, what we’ve been doing for the past year has
been so bananas. I mean, it — that I have because I, you know, I have
like, apparently, I’m, you know, far right.
Because, I — look, I want, you know, accountability for police officers,
just like I want accountability for everyone. You know, who is — at power
over us, but it’s like this far-right idea that I also would like
accountability for someone who commits a violent felony.
TIMPF: And — that’s like a controversial opinion among progressive
circles. That doesn’t make any sense to me. We shouldn’t be surprised by
this. Because what did they think was going to happen?
GUTFELD: Yes. What do you — what do you make of this, Joe?
MACHI: I think it makes perfect sense that politicians are starting to see
the light on criminal justice of the cities because nothing is less popular
than people getting shot at, including me in high school. I was kind of —
that was kind of sad.
GUTFELD: Where you — where did you go to high school?
MACHI: State College, Pennsylvania.
GUTFELD: That’s college. Oh, the City State College.
MACHI: The city’s name that —
GUTFELD: How confusing is that?
TARLOV: I didn’t even know that was a place.
GUTFELD: Yes, if you go like, hey, where’s the state college and they send
you to city. That’s confusing, Joe.
MACHI: It is confusing, Greg. And I think Jessica and Kat had some good
points, too. There’s a lot of common ground here. People want police to be
a cop. Just like they want every government official to be accountable and
when political group start eating their own that only makes the cannibals
GUTFELD: Don’t bring me into this. Todd, we inserted this story about the
kids and the firefighter. Do you care about that story? Would you want to
comment on that? Or would you continue to talk about that the larger theme?
I feel like we must touch on those children.
PIRO: We can touch. I mean — oh.
GUTFELD: I’m against touching children.
PIRO: Thank you, Greg.
PIRO: Thank you. Here’s my — that’s a good piece of parenting.
PIRO: First of all. Let’s get that off the way.
GUTFELD: This is why I don’t want to have kids taught because I don’t want
to end up having to turn them into the cops.
PIRO: And you would have to.
GUTFELD: Oh. I would do anything. Any little thing I turn them in. Hey,
look at —
TIMPF: — kind of babysitter.
GUTFELD: Yes. I can’t find a babysitter, you’re going to the cops. They
killed the drifter. And then I come back even after I’ve seen the movie, I
come back and go, I was kidding. Cops, don’t mind.
PIRO: You said you like Uncle Geraldo more than me? You’re going to prison,
Billy. I don’t know why I named your kid Billy. But the problem with that,
this is a bigger issue in society. It’s the social media thing. These kids
are doing stupid things on social media. And they’re harming themselves and
now they’re harming society. It’s a bigger issue. And that parents, there’s
just so much you can control as a parent.
The things that parents face this day and age to try to control their kids
that to make sure that they don’t do something stupid is off the charts and
you can go serious to bullying or something goofy like this but the
ramifications are horrible. I’m sorry to get so serious but —
GUTFELD: You have a kid, right?
PIRO: I do. Not on social media at eight months. At least, not as far as
TIMPF: Oh (INAUDIBLE) fall behind and —
GUTFELD: Eight months. When I was eight months old I was already (BLEEP)
all right. Up next. Is racial bias from centuries ago impacting fish in
ways we don’t know?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Everything is racist.
GUTFELD: Is racial strife impacting aquatic life? It’s no joke, fishermen
must get woke. A new study published in fisheries magazine, I love their
sex quizzes, concludes that fish have suffered due to conservation policies
because of, wait for it, white men from centuries ago.
It explores how colonialist attitudes towards native fishes were rooted in
elements of racism and sexism. It’s true. To this day, white fish still
have no rhythm. Said the study’s lead bottom feeder, quote, “When you trace
the history of the problem, you quickly realize it’s because the field was
shaped by white men, excluding other points of view.”
We reached out to those scientists but they were lucky enough to die long
before this (BLEEP) was considered science. The fishing industry is rife
with bias and needs to change. The study says they can start by calling
fish nicer names like native, instead of trash or rough. We went to a fish
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Rough fish, that name just means I’m not good for sport
fishing or bait. Sounds good to me. Hey, everybody, I’m a rough fish. What
really chaps my ass though, is when it’s someone’s idea of fun to hide a
hook in my food, then drags me by the mouth into their boat. If you didn’t
do a hamburger and ended up getting dragged under water by an enormous
monster, would it really matter if they called you Craig?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Good point. Yes, they’re — Joe, they’re far worse evils that fish
must deal with in what we call them.
MACHI: That’s true, Greg. And I just want to say, that fish had a pretty
sexy voice. I think the whole premise of this study was a bit of a red
herring, Greg. What? I intended that pun.
GUTFELD: If you intend to pun, it’s even worse.
MACHI: Yes. Because native fish and rough fish aren’t mutually exclusive
terms. A lot of the fish that are native such as trout or a sunfish,
they’re native fish that we fishing that we haven’t hatcheries. And some of
the rough fish are stuff like catfish or carp that may be invasive species.
So, it was a mixed message from the get-go.
GUTFELD: OK. You know what, Kat, I think they might be onto something
because if you ever noticed how much inequality is in an aquarium? Like
some fish have castles and others don’t? Have you noticed that when you go
to a pet store or a fish store or the neighborhood fish store?
TIMPF: Yes. Well, I’m offended that they are saying that trash is a bad
TIMPF: Because I have always considered my own elements of trashiness to be
part of my charm. I’m completely — seriously I’m not pageant hot, but I’m
a little trashy, it’s an edgy and I got to go enough. And what — like when
someone says classy to me, all I hear is boring. Like all these academics
who wrote this study, they probably like sit around and like drink tea with
their pinkies up and try to figure out like how does the biggest words call
each other racist? I would rather drink in the trailer park, and by that I
mean drink in the trailer park again.
GUTFELD: Todd, I have a theory that wokeism is like a made-up make-believe
language that like some kids came up with and they’re — it’s a huge prank
PIRO: Well, Greg, as somebody who is pageant hot, I’d like to take this.
TIMPF: That’s actually true.
PIRO: This is — first of all, we both went to the UC system.
PIRO: Doesn’t this make you real proud of your degree?
GUTFELD: Oh, absolutely.
PIRO: But what August — I don’t know if you know this, in the Pyro family,
is seafood festival month.
GUTFELD: No, I had no idea.
PIRO: Very exciting.
GUTFELD: I didn’t get that on my calendar notification.
PIRO: With your stomach issues, I don’t know if you can be able to handle.
But I endeavored, Greg. And I promise, I’m going to use proper-gendered,
non-gendered language. I’m going to use the woke terminology for all the
fish and then I’m going to fry the crap out of it.
GUTFELD: That’s good. They will — they’ll die with a weird smile on their
PIRO: He included us. Todd Piro was all, you know.
GUTFELD: Jessica, have you thought about how these terms actually impact
the fish personally?
TARLOV: No. I haven’t once. And this is what when you say, I think, wokeism
is made up, as someone who’s invited to the party, right? Like I vote in
the right way. I say the right things. No one told me these rules, which
makes me think it really is made up.
GUTFELD: I think that the issue is that when something is unchallenged, it
just keeps going. And no one’s challenged it because they don’t know how to
— they don’t know where it’s coming from. It’s just like bubbling out of
the HR world.
TARLOV: But it’s also the social media problem. Like how this story gets. I
mean, this was a study from a while ago, like —
GUTFELD: How dare you impugn our research?
TARLOV: No, I think that it’s a classic.
TARLOV: Which is why it was brought up again.
TIMPF: — of a researcher.
TARLOV: No, I believe I’ve been fact check myself. But it is something
that, like, catches fire on Twitter, right? And then we’re all talking
about it. And then when you get into a conversation with someone about
something that, like, you might think is actually cancelable they’re like,
well, what about the fish?
TARLOV: And you’re like, the fish don’t matter. I’m willing to give you.
GUTFELD: Oh, God, I hope PETA heard that. The fish don’t matter.
OK. We got to go. Before a quick announcement, tickets still available for
the Gutfeld live tour in support of my book, “The Plus,” August 22nd. I
think that’s a Sunday, right? I’ll be in Nashville. And later, I’ll hit
Memphis, Birmingham, Alabama, Newark, New Jersey, go to https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=http-3A__ggutfeld.com&d=DwICAg&c=uw6TLu4hwhHdiGJOgwcWD4AjKQx6zvFcGEsbfiY9-EI&r=kJ8f_Q6dvX3AsDP-NC79Q-X4IyH70YKVhyH4eVON4dc&m=qQIJWmKZL1o-qRDgLPDekxQQMusoydGy1cJwNyf7xmY&s=EH_Q1EcNwgbtdD6f-GmxT2uCU0Sg988a0cVfuRmM7TM&e= for
Up next, they knew they could drown, but that didn’t stop some gaming
GUTFELD: As the water soared, they continued to score. Yes, flooding almost
turned this gaming group into electrocuted human soup. It’s either a sad
commentary on the male brain or an awesome commentary on the male brain.
Even flooding caused by typhoon couldn’t stop gamers in the Philippines
from wasting their time killing things. Video from an internet cafe shows
youngsters playing video games as the water reaches waist high or in my
case, neck deep. The cafe owner said we didn’t know the floodwater would
rise that day. So, when I saw them, I immediately took action and told them
that I have to transfer the equipment to a higher place. Now that’s a hero.
I’m not going to close the place down, I’ll just move everything up a few
feet. Yes, that’s the same careless attitude that kept the band playing on
the Titanic when they should have been busy dressing up as women and
children. What I would have done.
Whenever I go on a cruise, Kat, I always bring a dress and another dress,
in case I like to wear the dress just for fun. Where am I, Kat? Who’s more
awesome, the game players or the cafe owner?
TIMPF: Awesome is a strong word for any of this. But because they, you
know, they could have been electrocuted, and there’s some kind of sad about
GUTFELD: It wasn’t in the story, Kat.
TIMPF: But I’m going to defend them a little bit, because everyone’s
calling them stupid because they could have been electrocuted. But, you
know, there’s really worth risking your life to play a video game. And no
one’s calling the person who filmed it stupid for doing the same thing.
Because he was risking being electrocuted. He was like I could die, but
that’s, you know, not as bad as having to live knowing how viral I could
have gone by staying here and filming this.
GUTFELD: You know, Todd, I’m beginning to think that this should be offered
on death row. Not as not as an electric chair, but you get to play videos
and you just fill the place up with water.
PIRO: That’s one thing. I have a completely — I have a completely
different take on — for everybody that’s what I have a complete idea. I
have a completely different take on everybody. You ready?
PIRO: Who says young people don’t finish what they start?
GUTFELD: Yes, it’s true me.
PIRO: Me, I admire this commitment. And I’m going to get really wonky here.
You read in the scientific journals, of which I’m a huge fan, that basic
surgeons were really good video gamers back in the day. So, a surgeon has
to do something for like some 25, 30-hour surgery. I want to know that they
have the stamina, they have the endurance, they have sat through a water
filled gaming room and they didn’t care if they got electrocuted, they
finished that game, they’re going to finish my colonoscopy.
GUTFELD: Yes, that’s not surgery, but it can be if you pay extra. I always
ask him to add some things, like a little mirror so you can see where
you’re going. Maybe you just come around that tube and you need to have
some ready to go is something coming along there.
I always thought they should make it wider just for me. When you watch
these — when they — when you watch these kids playing video games, while
it’s flooding, Jessica, is this the right frame of mind for combating
TARLOV: Well, this makes us more afraid to have boys.
TARLOV: — no girls. And there are girl gamer, but I feel like they would
have — once the flooding started, they’re like. OK. Maybe it’s time that I
go and I can finish at home.
GUTFELD: This is — I had that in mind. If this says something about boys
that are — that are just ingrained in their heads. They just don’t — they
risk is — they will risk anything.
TARLOV: The reward of having the high score is also just better than worth
GUTFELD: Yes. It’s worth it, yes.
MACHI: Boys can’t evaluate danger very well.
MACHI: But I’m glad they were kids and not adults, because those — the
video game players that worry me because video games are like a drug where
you can put aside the real world and have a feeling of pleasure at
something that’s artificial. And I’m worried that there’s a lot of adults I
know that are going to wake up when the power goes out, and they’re going
to have no career, no family, no resume to speak of, and they’re just going
to log on to Twitter and start insulting people.
GUTFELD: That’ll never happen, Joe. You know, before I go to the break,
there’s an unspoken truth. As a child, did you always want to fill up the
room with water?
TARLOV: Now on a computer.
GUTFELD: I always wanted to see what it’d be like if I — did you ever want
to do that?
PIRO: It’s not part of my journey.
TIMPF: No, that’s — that is 100 percent fatal.
GUTFELD: No, but as a kid, you didn’t think that you thought it’d be fun to
see all your toys floating around. This is before they put me in the home,
so I got better.
Up next, will intelligent life be found in space? We’ll ask a rocker with
an otherworldly face.
GUTFELD: Is there a better race in outer space? A team of international
scientists led by a Harvard professor is launching a new search for alien
tech in our solar system. It’s called the Galileo Project. It looks to
create a global network of telescopes, cameras, and computers to
investigate UFOs. I suppose we should be impressed by this. But we keep
hearing about these searches for alien life every week. And they come up
At this point, should we care? I can only think of one truly awesome being
qualified to discuss this with me because he’s not from this earth. He also
just happens to be the leader of the greatest band that is or will ever be,
Gwar. Welcome back to the show, Gwar, front man of the Berserker Blothar.
BERSERKER BLOTHAR, AMERICAN MUSICIAN: Glad to be here, Greg. Glad to be
GUTFELD: Excellent. So, Blowthar, let’s get right to it. Why are they look
— they’re looking for alien life and you’re right here, are you offended
at all that they aren’t actually contacting you? A true alien.
BERSERKER BLOTHAR: Well, I don’t — yes, I mean, I have no idea why they’re
pretending that they don’t know that aliens exist. Of course, we exist.
They’ve noted for a long time. I mean, I just played pinochle last night
with Colin Powell and basketball with (INAUDIBLE)
BERSERKER BLOTHAR: What the hell? You would think that —
GUTFELD: Yes. Why are they keeping it a secret?
BERSERKER BLOTHAR: I don’t know. I mean, they’re afraid, you know, I mean,
humans — look, if humans encounter aliens, they are going to absolutely,
you will crap your slacks and I am appearing to you right now in a form
that your brain can handle. Trust me, if you really saw me, then you would
GUTFELD: I find you quite arousing, to be honest.
BERSERKER BLOTHAR: Yes. Right back at you.
GUTFELD: You know, maybe we should — maybe we should continue this
interview somewhere else.
BERSERKER BLOTHAR: I’m game, if you’re game.
GUTFELD: Are aliens — are there any aliens out there that are edible and
might taste good?
BERSERKER BLOTHAR: Oh, yes, yes. I mean, most alien races are edible. And
they all taste like chicken or some kind of bird, seagull, maybe, I don’t
know. They’re delicious.
GUTFELD: Yes, because I — you know, I think, you know, as an Earthling, I
only eat Earthlings, I eat, you know, turkey, chickens, these are — the
cow and the turkeys, these are Earthlings. And I think, you know what, if
space exploration must mean like going out there and finding aliens to eat
so we can stop eating Earthlings. Do you think that’s objectionable?
BERSERKER BLOTHAR: No, no. I mean, I think it’s as natural as rain, you
know, of course, you’re going to go out into the — into the universe and
find other stuff to ruin. That’s what humanity does.
GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. Now, what is — this Harvard professor is trying to
figure out, I guess, what’s the easiest way to tell if, like an alien,
especially a robotic alien is a friend or a foe? How — do you have any
BERSERKER BLOTHAR: Look, this person is confused from the ground up, right?
He — they think that this oh moolah, moolah thing, is some kind of an
BERSERKER BLOTHAR: Right? Well, it is a probe but it’s actually just a
piece of space garbage. It is a cartological probe. I happen to know this
for a fact and it’s giant, it’s huge, it’s enormous. And you know why?
Because aliens are giant A-holes. When you say A-holes. Yes. I mean, B-
GUTFELD: How many holes — how many holes does an alien like you have?
BERSERKER BLOTHAR: Well, let me see. I have — I have two. Well, I have
four wieners. You know, so I’ve got these two? I don’t know man. Trust me.
It’s going to be hard to make me airtight. Let me say that.
GUTFELD: Just off topic. I’ve noticed in on planet earth when I’m watching
like a science fiction movie with space aliens, the male aliens are always
kind of grotesque. But the female aliens are always somewhat sexy, and that
the gender is binary. I was wondering if we are any way close to being
accurate in our depiction of aliens.
BERSERKER BLOTHAR: That’s hilarious. Of course not. You can’t possibly
imagine. Look, look. And then this is another thing. I mean, yes, aliens
come here, right? But Earth is — it’s basically the — it is a landfill in
Broward County, Florida to the rest of the universe. That’s what Earth I,
And so, the aliens, they’re all — they’re all hideous. Let me tell you
that. If you saw an alien, I am the best-looking alien that you will ever
see. I could promise you that.
GUTFELD: So, we have one more topic. Researchers have found that
radioactive wild boar pig hybrids are roaming the region near the 2011
Fukushima nuclear disaster, apparently domestic pigs escaped from farms and
got together with the wild boars and now we’ve got a new species. Should we
BERSERKER BLOTHAR: No, absolutely not. I mean, that’s called for
celebration. The best news I’ve heard all day. I mean, certainly better
than the Olympics, right?
GUTFELD: Always end with a bang, I say. Berserker Blothar, a pleasure. We
got to get you uptown to the studio. That’s Gwar to everybody by their
music. By Gwar. Don’t go away. We’ll be right back.
GUTFELD: We are out of time. Set your DVRs every night so you never miss an
episode. Thanks to Todd Piro, Jessica Tarlov, Joe Machi, Kat Timpf, the
Berserker Blothar from Gwar, and our studio audience.
“FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with Shannon Bream is next is evil. I’m Greg Gutfeld. I
love you, America.
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